I am alone. It’s a fact, but that’s all it is. It is neither a good or bad thing; it’s neither happy nor sad. It just is what it is.
Nostalgia is hard. It makes you feel all these good emotions; sad or happy. Sad feelings are good too, because that’s how you know you left something apart of you, something that was important.
Why do we miss things? Maybe it’s for ourselves, to realize that we were doing something right. That we had something that planted its roots deep within our hearts and souls. And that that’s how we know that we are living. Because if we’re not planting our roots or letting others get under our skin, then we are just skimming a surface and sliding past life’s important things. If we’re not making connections and leaving impressions then are we truly living?
Nothing lasts forever, and that goes for everything and everyone. But it’s our goal, our duty to make the time we have/had with the important people in our lives feel infinite. Even though we eventually forget, we have to try our best to remember until we can’t remember anymore, or until better memories come along.
“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
People move on. Life goes on. It’s up to us to choose which things we carry forward with us and which ones to leave behind.
We all move out eventually. Naturally, we don’t bring everything we had with us when we first moved in. Because during the course of living, we find great things that fit better in our lives.
Just like being alone, that is a fact. It’s neither a good or bad things. It just is what it is. And that’s something we have to eventually be okay with.
I have recently discovered 750 Words where you can write raw, unfiltered, spontaneously into a private sort of online journal. The main purpose is to get things out of your head so that you are calm, and free, and not (as) stressed. Typically done in the morning before you go about your day, it helps you clear your head for the day in front of you. I tried writing everyday but haven’t and well today I only got to 534 words:
Last night was one of the best sleeps I’ve had in a long while. Maybe it’s the way I positioned the right pillows in the right places. It’s so weird how the simplest act of sleeping can have such a big effect on a person’s day. They don’t have the expression of ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ for nothing I guess. But it’s not even just the dreaming part that can make or break your morning, which snowballs throughout your day. But it’s the dead deep sleep part too, the way your body just simply lays there, not doing anything at all; not even dreaming. How your bones and muscles are relaxed the way they are relaxed can affect how you feel physically in the morning and that directly affects your mood or how you wake up.
I used to use this app, I forget what it’s called exactly now, that graphs your body movement throughout the course of your sleep in a night. You place your iPhone on the bed and the accelerometers in the iPhone can detect movement of your mattress and therefore of your body too, unless maybe if you have one of those magic mattresses. Anyways, it says that the more you move the less deep sleep you get and how when you sleep during the many cycles throughout a night affects your mood in the morning. I don’t remember it perfectly, but it had something to do about waking up during your deep sleep part of the cycle will make you feel groggy and grumpy. And it’s not completely out of our control either, we can choose when and how we sleep and what we sleep on so that our body goes through its rhythms properly.
Now it’s rainy outside and not windy at all, which is great because the rain shows character. You don’t always want sunshine and blue skies. Sometimes you want the rain to appreciate those great clear days. Plus it’s fun to watch people go about their day in a different setting, a different background. As for me, the rain has a sort of calming effect to me. I’m not really sure how or why that is but it’s true for most people.
As for what I’m doing today. A whole lot of nothing mixed in with a bit of waiting. Technically I’m on the job because I am on call all week long getting paid to do whatever is going on or not going on. And as much as I like getting paid to do nothing (sometimes), I would much rather do something related to work. Because it fills up your day, as opposed to going completely insane as to not knowing what to do with yourself. There’s a bunch as of this moment: fold a day old laundry, wash the dishes, clean, cook food, eat food, read, write, watch TV shows, study…the list can go on and on. And even though I want stuff to fill up my day, I don’t want to cram everything into that one day. I do like to just sit and do nothing or stare at the ceiling or watch people drive by below.
As exciting as the new Great Perhaps may be. It’s very truly humbling.
It’s just the nature of the beast, a very transient life for me, at least for now.
It’s so heartbreaking for me to leave so abruptly the people I’ve grown to know and love over the year. But we all have to keep moving.
Don’t stand still. Keep moving.
I watched the latest Californication episode and the above song was the soundtrack. I thought, how relevant and appropriate. It IS time to move on. Time to get going. No matter what lies ahead, no matter how terrifying it can seem, it is time to move on. And for me, it’s not just the career move, but everything. Love, life, work…everything is interconnected.
We have to let go as much as we need to be let go sometimes.
It’s been so long since I felt any real sadness for the past little while. And to some people that may be a good thing. Heck maybe it’s even a good thing for me.
But I’m not used to it. I know it sounds depressing when I say that I’m just waiting for the next big fuck up of life but part of it is true.
Now an old chapter of my life is coming to a close and it hit me, today. My last day in this newfound love of a city that misery comes back to slap me with pain buried deep within my stomach. Pushing out the tears as it streams down my face.
I know it’s never say never but fuck, it sure feels like otherwise.
Will I ever see you again I wonder. Should I bear to witness our last meet or let misery takeover and just leave unnoticed.
I loved you. And you will never know how true those three words actually were.
This picture was taken a year ago. My very first night in Timmins. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Part of that excited me, but the scary part of that feels like a reality now. I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. Now a year later I re-evaluate. Where has time, effort, and money gone? Almost feels like I wasted a year. I really can’t shake that awful (almost) fact.
I feel like I am in the same situation as I was last year. Just different geographically and more alone. Makes you question everything that has happened and is happening. Is this place still worth my time when all my efforts seem to have been for naught?
It almost makes you wanna cry. But that won’t move you forward any one bit. So instead you suck in all the emotions and you put on a smile in front of people. And just hope for change. Any kind of change feels like it’ll do the trick. And alas the waiting game has changed but it’s still the same kind of suck.